Often misdiagnosed, undiagnosed, ignored and stigmatised, borderline personality disorder is, according to Joe Tracini, “the emotional equivalent of giving an eight year old a job and a car and saying, ‘Good luck.’”
“It’s absolutely exhausting. Tiredness is linked to physical exertion, and actual events you do in the outside world. I think people don’t understand how tiring it is to exist in a mind that is a hostile place.”
The actor, comedian and former British Junior Magical Champion discussed his experiences living with BPD in his 2024 documentary Me and the Voice in My Head. It went on to win two awards at the Grierson British Documentary Awards, and it’s a piece of work that is a great introduction to both Tracini himself, and borderline personality disorder. It’s unflinching, and honest, something Tracini is almost obsessed with being.
“It’s the only thing that keeps me going,” he says on an early-morning Zoom call. He seems in a good place – the sun is shining, and his dogs keep popping by to say hello – but those of us with BPD know that looks can be deceiving. (“All the way through last year I wasn’t well,” he admits later. “It’s only since the beginning of the year that I’ve really started to settle down a little bit”). He is funny and warm, and exactly the kind of person I’d feel comfortable explaining the ins and outs of BPD in an honest but not pandering way.
“I was very lucky that I was able to be that honest on telly,” he says. “If I feel something, I shouldn’t be the only person who knows about it – especially not if it’s a bad thing. I’m not going to hurt myself, but the only way I can be sure of that is if I get a second opinion, so being honest is so important.”
In his documentary, Tracini’s on a journey to reignite his stand-up career, working on and staging a show that he first wanted to do before the pandemic hit. That show is the one he’s bringing to the Fringe,Ten Things I Hate About Me, but the first time he tried to perform it, he had a panic attack and couldn’t do it. I question what it is about performance, which he’s been doing in one form or another since he was a young child, that he keeps returning to.
“There’s safety in what you know, even if what you know is kicking you in the nuts,” he laughs. “I was in such a hopeful place when I decided to go to Edinburgh five years ago, but I lost all that hope.” When you lose hope, he explains, the first place you go looking for it is the last place you left it, “which is why, despite the panic attacks, I kept coming back.”
When we talk about the fact that the comedy-show-about-mental-illness market is quite saturated, it seems clear that Tracini is keen to quash the usual expectations that these kinds of shows can engender.
“Quite intentionally, the whole show is centered around the fact that I want the whole audience to feel comfortable,” he says, “because I’m aware that talking about the sort of things that I’m talking about, while having mental illness, can be uncomfortable.” How does he achieve this? “The first half of the show is an incredibly detailed trigger warning for the second half of the show.”
Tracini says that he’s not proud of his BPD; neither is he ashamed of it – “It wasn’t a decision, and it continues not to be.” But the fact that he spoke about his illness, which led to more opportunities, means that his career and his illness became intrinsically linked. This show is a way of drawing a line under the past five years of his life and helping him to move on. Yes, he touches on the bad stuff, but the point isn’t to dwell on it.
“All of the worst moments of my life were just before something good happened,” he says. “And the worst things in my life didn’t happen, cos I didn’t kill myself, I’m still here. And that’s not a shock. People can see that I’m still here. So I make sure that I focus on the stuff that did happen, not the stuff that didn’t.”
Joe Tracini: Ten Things I Hate About Me, Underbelly, Bristo Square, 30 Jul-24 Aug (not 11), 8.25pm