A moment of your time I’d love to impinge
Here’s my perfect day at the Edinburgh Fringe
I do my show, and it goes really great
And then I bump into a friendly old mate
We catch up and laugh, have a fond reminisce
About our old school days, it’s absolute bliss
He says “for a pint or two we must head!”
And I say “No thank you, I’m going to bed!”
Because the Fringe is exhausting and causes vexation
So I have no energy for socialisation
And even though he says a catch-up would be swell
I’m in my mid-thirties, so it just sounds like hell
So I go to bed, and I have a dream
About fluffy marshmallows and peaches and cream
And bubbles and panda bears eating bamboo
And briefly forget I have a Fringe show to do
The very next day I do improv with my friends
A standing ovation as the curtain descends
Eight thousand tickets sold for one show
My castmates declare “for a beer we must go!”
“That’s the best show we’ve ever done in our lives!”
“We must raise a glass between the high-fives!”
“These memories are precious, one day we’ll be dead!”
And I say “No thank you, I’m going to bed!”
I leave them behind as I sprint for my pillow
I have a dream that I’m an armadillo
Rolling around with my snout and my armour
Tumbling harder and tumbling faster
Tumbly tumbly tumbly glee
I’m an armadillo, fiddle-de-dee
Tumble for one, tumble for two!
Tumble for – damn, I have a Fringe show to do
The next day I win the award for Best Show
Because quality is something the judges all know
My winning this award was inevitable
Which is weird, since improv is ineligible
And there’s a party for the rich and the famous
Celebrities, starlets of live entertainment
And at me all night they shall fawn and shall stare
And of course I attend, for I want to be there!
The party is bouncing, and I’m at the centre
I’m the king of comedy and the social agenda!
Two agents approach and say “we’ll sign you kiddo!”
Then I realise – they’re a panda and an armadillo
For none of this was real, it was all a dream!
I awake with a yawn and a stretch and a beam
All of what happened was just in my head!
I didn’t register for Fringe – because I’d rather be in bed
MC Hammersmith: Hippity Hoppity Get Off My Property, Monkey Barrel Comedy, 31 Jul-24 Aug (not 5, 12, 19), 1.55pm