G’day me old c*nts (as the locals say)! I’m The Cycling Man – athlete, consultant (I think – it’s too late to ask) and divorcee (I DON’T want to talk about it!!!) from London, England.
What an honour, nay a privilege, to be in the fine city of Adelaide. I cycled all the way from England (don’t ask) and having been here for 24 hours I’m ready to share my advice for the ULTIMATE Adelaide cycle ride. Expressing my opinion on something I know very little about? That’s my god given right!!
I kick off my day doing loops of the Adelaide Park Lands. I was devastated to find a selection of lovely bike paths – where’s the fun in that?? I want to be slowing down motorists and mowing down pedestrians when I’m on my noble steed. I left the area bitterly disappointed and headed to the CBD.
That’s more like it. In the shadow of the BAE Systems office and various banking towers I felt immediately at ease. CBD: Cyclists, Bankers, Dickheads – I proudly identify as all of the above (I think? I really should work out what my job is – all I know is I make loads of presentations and they pay me a shit ton of money).
Time to venture away from the hoi polloi, feel the wind in my hair and the wasps in my teeth on the open road heading to Barossa Valley. I make sure to cycle right in the middle of the road and I take the opportunity to fill my sucky little water bladder with local wine. I cycle back to the city absolutely shitfaced.
I swing by the beach on the way to my soulless corporate hotel, which proves tricky as the sand gets all up in the nooks and crannies of my machinery and I’m not just talking about the bike. I loiter and watch some locals using what I believe they call a ‘barbie’. Top tip – do not throw an isotonic gel sachet on the barbie as it WILL explore and you MAY fully ignite your top to toe lycra outfit, releasing toxic fumes!!
I head to bed, singed, satisfied and still slightly sozzled, ready to do it all again tomorrow. God bless Australia and long live the Queen.
Kathy Maniura: The Cycling Man, The Breakout at The Mill, 18-22 Mar, various times