So you’re coming to Adelaide, and you’re making your merry way over from the UK. “It’s a bloody long way”, as they’ll tell you. So here are some tips for making the journey (slightly) more bearable.
Get drunk
As a sober man I can no longer take my own advice here, but having once drunk a plane clean of wine back in 2014, I can tell you that it does make the journey go a lot quicker, in that I remember very little of it. We’ve all woken up in a bed we didn’t recognise before, try waking up in a new hemisphere.
Pay for the WiFi
Sure, it’s nice to not be connected to the world for a bit. But do you know what’s nicer? Being connected to the world. And by that I mean, messaging everyone you know the words “I’m on a plane and it has WiFi! Isn’t that mad!”
Laugh at the immigration form
Do I have mud on my shoes? Do I have fruit on me? Have I ever done a war crime? Lmao, Australia.
Do some performative reading
You will be judged by fellow passengers on what book you’re reading on the plane, so make sure it says something about you. Personally I like to go for the Kama Sutra, which says, This guy knows how to fuck. Or a Richard Osman book, which says, This guy has never fucked in his life.
Have fun with films
Find out what the person next to you is watching, then stick on the same film but five minutes ahead of them. Then get their attention whenever you can and point to the screen. People like that.
Vape in the toilet
They can’t actually tell. Go for it.
Liam Withnail: Big Strong Boy, Drama Llama at Rhino Room, 17-21 Mar, 5pm