Being kids performers, people think we are flush with poo jokes, when really you have to ply them out of us. In fact wee take toilet humour seriously and are never faeces-tious on the subject. Once we are on a roll, you will see we rarely hit a bum note. So here are our top 12 poo jokes, in no pooticular order… though really, if you think about it, they should be the bottom twelve.
Who was the most regular member of blur? Damon Allbran.
Why do bad surfers have clean bums? They often wipe out.
What was creative 1980s TV host Neil Buchanan’s unsuccessful follow-up show about gastro called? Shart Attack!
What should you sing to your toilet once a year? Happy Bidet to you.
Where do you send unemployed bottoms? To the jobby centre.
Why should you wash your hands after shaking hands with JD Vance? He’s Donald Trump’s number two.
What do you call the rock hard poop you do after a solid month of the Edinburgh Festival diet? ‘Sitting on Arthur’s Seat for a Salisbury crap’. (Or ‘Laying a Scotch egg’)
What’s the stinkiest alley off the Royal Mile? Flushmarket close.
Did you know my bum’s broken? It has a big crack in it.
Why do poops only win bronze? They always come turd.
Did you hear about the poo that’s doing a Fringe show? Reviewers say it stinks – nowhere near as good as Sh!t Theatre.
Did you know Charles Darwin wrote a book about where poop comes from? The Origin of Faeces.
…We should add that we authored all of these, when we could have just asked CrapGPT.
The Listies: Make Some Noise, Assembly George Square Studios, 30 Jul-25 Aug (not 6, 13, 18-22, 18), 11.30am