If you’re looking for a genuinely excellent place to eat in Edinburgh, you’re in luck.
As someone who has been to Edinburgh approximately one and a half times, I know the city extremely well. In fact, I know it so well that I’m going to walk you there, personally.
Start at Waverley Station and head over North Bridge. Continue down towards the University of Edinburgh.
This is where you’ll find some of the university accommodation that fills up with performers, like myself, every August.
If you’re hungry while you’re in this part of town, Mother India is genuinely worth a visit. Brilliant Indian small plates. Ignore that completely though, because what we’re eventually heading towards is much better.
I always stay in university accommodation during the Fringe. It’s an incredible deal. For just £2,000 a month, you get to sleep in the sweat of a University of Edinburgh student. You absorb success through second-hand osmosis. Spend enough time there and you’ll wake up with an internship at KPMG.
I never went to Edinburgh University. I got into an average university through clearing. If you don’t know, clearing is when you don’t get the grades for the course that you want, so you just see what other shitty university courses are left over. It’s like an end-of-season sale but with no discount.
Clearing shouldn’t even be allowed. They should ban it. Because they say the biggest decisions in life are choosing your career and choosing your life partner. Getting into university through clearing is like proposing to the person of your dreams, getting rejected and then turning to the waiter like, “Are you up for it, mate?”
Anyway, keep moving.
Head back towards the city centre and make your way along George Street.
You’ll know you’re there because everything suddenly becomes expensive. George Street is one of Edinburgh’s grandest streets. That’s why when you live in any city, you should only have one dating preference. And that should be rich. But it’s difficult to find rich women. You know why? The patriarchy.
Everyone talks about how the patriarchy affects women. Fair enough. But nobody talks about the other group of people affected by the patriarchy. Male gold diggers. Me. That’s why I go to women’s rights marches. Everyone’s there like, ‘Pay women more.’ And under my breath I’m like, ‘So they can spend it on me.’ It’s a new wave of feminism. It’s toxic and progressive. You can’t get me. I’ve thought it through.
Just off George Street, you’ll find Chez Jules on Hanover Street. Three courses for just under £16 is one of the best value lunches you’ll find during the Fringe, and genuinely worth a visit. Ignore that completely though, because what I’m about to recommend is much better.
From Hanover Street, continue on towards Stockbridge. This is one of Edinburgh’s neighbourhoods. Lots of independent cafés. Lots of carefully curated shops. Lots of moustaches. That’s the tough part about being an Arab man, which is what I am, I can’t grow a moustache. I can but I shouldn’t. Because when white people grow one, they look hipster-y. When I grow one, I look dictator-y. I look like a young Saddam Hussein.
When I see a white person with a moustache, I think, ‘That guy probably makes a good flat white.’ When I grow a moustache, I look like I want to flatten whites. Whole other situation.
If you’re hungry on the way, Pho & Roll is another place I’d genuinely recommend. Great Vietnamese food, brilliant bánh mì, spring rolls and pho.
Again, ignore that completely. What we’re heading towards is significantly better.
Carry on down towards Princes Street. You’re almost there.
And now we’ve arrived. A place worth travelling across the city for. A destination that consistently delivers. Reliable. Accessible. No fuss. No waiting list. No small plates.
Burger King. 89/90 Princes Street, Edinburgh.
You’re welcome.
Unlike this article, my Edinburgh Fringe show does eventually have a point.
Last year, I accidentally found myself in the middle of a far-right march. And somehow that still wasn’t the hardest part of my day.
Omar Badawy: Guided Detour, Pleasance Courtyard, 5-30 Aug (not 17), 4.35pm