It’s seemingly on everyone’s lips. “I don’t have enough creep, where can I find more creep, the creep in my life isn’t what it used to be.” Well boy howdy, do we have just the ticket.
1) Surgeons’ Hall. Did you know you can visit this museum of medical surgery? You absolutely can, and should. In particular, make your way to the “Library” and gaze on the hundreds of jars of formaldehyde-soaked flesh and bone. A catalogue of every disease, infection, and skeletal deformity, on every body part imaginable. Take it in.
2) Snails: find ‘em, eat ‘em. Tell them all “I deserve you in me” before sucking them from the shell.
But Boys, you may think, in the August heat can I still creep? What if the heat is too much to creep?
3) No problem. Have you tried panting? Open. Mouth. Panting. It works for dogs, it’ll work for you. Do you think you’re better than a dog? You are not. You are objectively not better than any dog. But you can still be a good boy! So pant away, slugger.
4) Take a Ghost Bus Tour! Only stand at the front blocking the door.
5) Summon the spirit of William Shakespeare to possess you.
Few people know that Edinburgh is actually an anagram for Stratford-Upon-Avon, and is the perfect locale for a quick and easy summoning. All you need is a handful of teeth (see suggestion #1 above), some matted animal fur, and the tears of a once classically trained actor (quick tip: the more dead-eyed the flyerer, the more letters in that theatre degree). Let Willy possess you, and take him/you to every drunken King Lear/80s Hamlet/puppet Titus Andronicus you can find. “Oh god…” you/he will think. “Who let these women on stage??”
Stagger out of your fourth or fifth production, overwhelmed by the electric lights. As the world continues to spin, somehow find your way to Edinburgh’s lone Taco Bell. Collapse on the counter of this demon-establishment. An attendant – or “taco” wench?? – arrives at the counter and calls out “a Crunchwrap Supreme for William”. You outstretch your hands and moan out a “Wa…wah..William…that’s me…” You take the piping hot parcel and wolf it down. FLAVOUR. SPICES. SAUCE. Let it overwhelm you. Give in to this hitherto unknown pleasure. You begin to feel tears well up, let them flow. Stagger out into the street to tell others of this inconceivable discovery. Make them listen, take their faces in your beef-stained hands. See their own fear and confusion meet your unnamable eruption of joy. Realise they want this to stop and to leave, to walk briskly away and, god willing, to forget this. To forget you.
William. Shakespeare.
Then have your friend utter your secret word, to send ol’ Willy back to oblivion and finish your Crunchwrap.
Have a great fringe, and stay creepy!
Xoxo Creepy Boys
Nude Parade (WIP), Summerhall, until 24 Aug, 10.40pm